Filter? What Filter?

That moment when things go into slow motion and your ears seem full of cotton and you can’t believe that those words are actually going out of your mouth and you wish you could grab them and stuff them back in?  Yeah that.

I don’t blush often, but after one particularly embarrassing blurt I turned deep red as I KEPT ON TALKING just making it worse and worse.  The conversational equivalent of a horror movie — an out-of-body moment screaming at myself, “No, idiot, don’t go there!”

Sometimes the “incident” haunts me for days.  I re-live with horror each millisecond of the exchange leading up to the horrible words’ escape.  I try to imagine how it must have sounded to those around me and think about how I could have stopped it from happening.  As time passes, I may forget what I actually said, but I remember with a sinking stomach just how awful the moment was.

I can’t say how many times this has happened, a lot for sure.  I’m so envious of people who float through life with eloquence and grace.  Discrete.  Thoughtful.  Ugh.  I hoped that as I “matured” I would get this problem under control.  Unfortunately, with age does not come self-control in this particular area, at least not for me.

Maybe my “growth opportunity” is being more understanding when this happens to other people.  I can certainly empathize. And I take solace in knowing that at least one or two other people out there suffer from the same syndrome.  One friend confided that she would have nightmares of her teeth coming out after she had an unfiltered utterance event.  Then again, some people  blather on inappropriately and have absolutely no clue.  They don’t clamber to get those words back.   No pain. No sinking gut.  Maybe that’s better — at least they sleep well.


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